Wednesday, June 4, 2008
I have been so stressed out recently. I've been feeling really down and depressed. And i hate when people say that. I feel like they throw that word around so easily, "depressed" when really people dont even know what it's like. People just think it means feeling sad and bad about something. But honestly it's one of the worst feelings ever. It's like you're down, but cant get up and then you dont even want to anymore. It's like you're living in this little world underneath who you actually are. You want so much, but feel like everything's so far away and impossible. It's like you have so many emotions going through you that after a while you dont know what to do with them then you just end up feeling nothing because you would think it's better than feeling everything. And some times it is, but then you dont feel anything, nothing, and it's like you're not even living. What's the point. Death cant be worse than this because life is nothing. Depression makes death such a high possiblity. Being depressed just makes you think like what else could there possibly be, if i cant get out of this hole. My whole life will be in this hole of myself, this hole underneath the world. It's like you're part dead already. So you think about what you could do, what would happen if you did this or that, how you would do it, if it's worth it. And what makes everything so hard is that you dont want to be here at all, dealing with this makes life not worth living. Then you start to think about who matters to you, who would care if you were gone today, who. And then you start to feel again, and it's awful pain, horrible, you get so sad and mad at yourself for ever thinking anything like that because of the other people in your life, how selfish you would be if you were to do anything. But it's so hard to handle all the emotions because they're flooding you now. And then you go back to your comfortable numb which will just lead to this same process over and over again. And it's honest the most exhausting and disappointing life to live.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Okay so alot of things have been going on recently. Me and chris are over with, for real this time. I really think that in two weeks or so it's going to hit me that we're not together right now and i'm really going to miss him. But right now, i really dont want to talk to him.
I seriously just want to not talk to him for like 2 months. I feel like if i talk to him i'm gonig to fall into his trap and get back together, and i really dont want that and cant do that anymore. I just cannot be with him anymore, i need to find myself 110 percent right now.
I dont deserve to be yelled at the way he yelled at me. I just cant deal with that anymore, and i honestly feel so much less stressed now that we're apart. I cant deal with yelling ever, like even when i'm not involved, i'll start to cry or leave the house or just blank out. And when i'm being yelled at, i dont even know what i;m doing, i just cant handle it. I mean maybe if we're both yelling and mad and want our points to be heard thats fine. But when he's just yelling and scream and saying awful things right in my face and i'm not yellign at all, i dont understand that. And i really cant deal with it anymore.
I'm just not a fighter. Simple as that, i dont enjoy fighting, i think talking about things is so much more productive than yelling screaming and pushing. And yeah when someone does something wrong like cheating or something along those lines, i freaking understand yelling. But if i do something that makes him mad, unintentionally, i will stop if you tell me. But chris would EXPLODE he didn't care that i did things unintentionally and thats just not fair!!! Like if i was doing it intentionally, yell whatever i understand, but when i dont even know what i'm being yelled at for, thats not right!!
I should have broken it off when he did something really bad, but i just couldn't. I need this to be strong for myself, i was not a strong person when i was with him, and i need to fnid that.
UGH i need to be by myself, and i'm glad this is happening over the summer.
I really have to say that i adore my friends right now, they're really helping me out and keeping me busy. I love them all to peices, more than they know.
I'm just looking forward to this summer, having time to myself and with my friends. Like i still have summer classes and pine acres and stuff, but even with that i'm still looking more forward to this summer than any other summer.
SO UGH TO CHRIS
thats all i have to say.
I seriously just want to not talk to him for like 2 months. I feel like if i talk to him i'm gonig to fall into his trap and get back together, and i really dont want that and cant do that anymore. I just cannot be with him anymore, i need to find myself 110 percent right now.
I dont deserve to be yelled at the way he yelled at me. I just cant deal with that anymore, and i honestly feel so much less stressed now that we're apart. I cant deal with yelling ever, like even when i'm not involved, i'll start to cry or leave the house or just blank out. And when i'm being yelled at, i dont even know what i;m doing, i just cant handle it. I mean maybe if we're both yelling and mad and want our points to be heard thats fine. But when he's just yelling and scream and saying awful things right in my face and i'm not yellign at all, i dont understand that. And i really cant deal with it anymore.
I'm just not a fighter. Simple as that, i dont enjoy fighting, i think talking about things is so much more productive than yelling screaming and pushing. And yeah when someone does something wrong like cheating or something along those lines, i freaking understand yelling. But if i do something that makes him mad, unintentionally, i will stop if you tell me. But chris would EXPLODE he didn't care that i did things unintentionally and thats just not fair!!! Like if i was doing it intentionally, yell whatever i understand, but when i dont even know what i'm being yelled at for, thats not right!!
I should have broken it off when he did something really bad, but i just couldn't. I need this to be strong for myself, i was not a strong person when i was with him, and i need to fnid that.
UGH i need to be by myself, and i'm glad this is happening over the summer.
I really have to say that i adore my friends right now, they're really helping me out and keeping me busy. I love them all to peices, more than they know.
I'm just looking forward to this summer, having time to myself and with my friends. Like i still have summer classes and pine acres and stuff, but even with that i'm still looking more forward to this summer than any other summer.
SO UGH TO CHRIS
thats all i have to say.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
found a quiz... haha oh jeeze
1.] Where was the first time you ever kissed the last person you kissed? chris, in my basement... romantic i know haha
[2.] What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? pay check
[3.] How many TRUE best friends do you have? nearly all my friends are true friends and i know i'm so lucky to have them<3
[4.] Would you rather get up early or sleep in? get up early
[5.] Tell me where you got each article of clothing youre wearing? school store, other school store, victoria secret, kohles, auntie
[6.] What's the closest thing to you that is brown? coffee table
[7.] What would you change about your life right now? the stress levels
[8.] How are you today? not bad
[9.] What's on your bedroom floor right now? umm my school bag, i dont know, i'm not in my room
[10.] Who was the last person you got into an argument with? chris, shockerrr
[11.] Do you trust people? i have trouble, but i try
[12.] If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move? london, paris, ireland
[14.] Could you go a day without eating? yes
[15.] How much do looks matter to you? i mean i would be lying if i were to say they dont matter, you have to be attracted to someone. But beauty is in th eye of the beholder.
[17.] When was the last time you had your hair cut? oh jeeze umm summer time?
[18.] Would you rather be mad or sad? mad, i hate sad
[19.] Does it take a lot to make you cry? it use to haha not anymore
[20.] Whats the best feeling in the world? being loved
[21.] Are you close with your mum? mum... yes i'm pretty close to my mom
[22.] Are your parents strict? they use to be, but i dont live at home anymore
[23.] Do you tell your parents everything? haha no
[25.] Name one fear you have? suicide
[26.] If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive? seeing as i live in new britain, it would matter if there was sunlight or not, i'm not about to get raped to save the environment
[27.] Does the thought of marriage scare you? haha NO i am a woman, i cant wait
[29.] What's your favorite color to wear? purple
[30.] Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you? chris
[31.] What are you doing today? read watch house and the hills
[34.] What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg? bring it to a museum... i dont know haha
[35.] Do you get bored easily? pretty much
[36.] What's something that someone can do that really bothers you? yell
[37.] Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? yes, to my middle name, i still kind of do, but overall my names not bad
[38.] Do you wish you were famous? nu uh, i couldn't handle that lifestyle thank you very much
[39.] Do you make a wish at 11:11? umm YES
[40.] When you're at the beach, do you swim or lay out more? when the waters not 30 degrees i swim!!
[41.] Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? "thursday would be great for me" manda!
[42.] What are you freakishly obsessed with? freakishly obsessed... no thank you
[43.] What's your favorite song at the moment? she likes me for me probably... i dont know SO MANY!!
[44.] Do you like going to the mall to shop or just shopping online? i dont really get a chance to shop
[45.] Can music affect your mood? oh god yes
[46.] When did you last see your best friend? this week
[47.] What tattoos do you want? okay i've been thinking about this! I want a damask rose on the center of the back of my neck! And i want a little celtic shamrock on my wrist or foot i think.
[48.] Have you ever been in a cave? ... no
[49.] Ever eaten a bug? probably, but not on purpose
[50.] What are you excited for? school to be over and summer to come!!!
HOW old were you when you first...
2. First got a myspace account –16?
3. Got drunk – never
7. Got your heart broken badly - 18
8. Lost a pet – yes... but i guess it wasn't lost it got hit by a car, but our parents said it was lost
9. Got arrested – never
11. Broken a bone - 5
13. Got your own cell phone – 16?
14. Noticed the opposite sex – 10 maybe?
15. Ran away – 6, but i only made it to the firehydrant two houses up
16. snuck out of the house – 17
18. Got a tattoo – not yet
19. Bought porn – ew never
20. Went to a summer camp – 5
21. Transfered to a new school – once, it sucked ass
22. Totalled a car – 16... but it wasn;t my fault okay!!
23. Moved out of your parents house – 19
24. Drove more than 100 miles alone – i dont think i have
SEVEN THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. bed
2. tv
3. books
4. pictures
5. duct tape
6. paintings
7. vaseline
SEVEN RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. Do you like anyone? chyeah
2. Does someone like you? he better!!
3. Last kiss? yesterday
4. Been lead on? yeah
5. Been cheated on? i'd kick some ass if i have been
6. Want a relationship? in one
7. Wanna get married? yes! but not now
SEVEN OTHER THINGS - DO YOU:
1. Believe in God? i dont know
2. Had a dream come true? yeah, it was like deja vu, it freaked me out
3. Read the newspaper? no
4. Pray? no
5. Have a best friend? several!
6. Like to shop? i do, but i dont have time, and i dont at the same time
7. Wish on stars? i use to
SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU:
1. Cried? yes
2. Had fun? yes
3. Been kissed? yes
4. Felt stupid? yes
5. Talked to an ex? i dont have an ex
6. Missed someone? my friends
7. Had sex? no... surprisingly haha
[2.] What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? pay check
[3.] How many TRUE best friends do you have? nearly all my friends are true friends and i know i'm so lucky to have them<3
[4.] Would you rather get up early or sleep in? get up early
[5.] Tell me where you got each article of clothing youre wearing? school store, other school store, victoria secret, kohles, auntie
[6.] What's the closest thing to you that is brown? coffee table
[7.] What would you change about your life right now? the stress levels
[8.] How are you today? not bad
[9.] What's on your bedroom floor right now? umm my school bag, i dont know, i'm not in my room
[10.] Who was the last person you got into an argument with? chris, shockerrr
[11.] Do you trust people? i have trouble, but i try
[12.] If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move? london, paris, ireland
[14.] Could you go a day without eating? yes
[15.] How much do looks matter to you? i mean i would be lying if i were to say they dont matter, you have to be attracted to someone. But beauty is in th eye of the beholder.
[17.] When was the last time you had your hair cut? oh jeeze umm summer time?
[18.] Would you rather be mad or sad? mad, i hate sad
[19.] Does it take a lot to make you cry? it use to haha not anymore
[20.] Whats the best feeling in the world? being loved
[21.] Are you close with your mum? mum... yes i'm pretty close to my mom
[22.] Are your parents strict? they use to be, but i dont live at home anymore
[23.] Do you tell your parents everything? haha no
[25.] Name one fear you have? suicide
[26.] If you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive? seeing as i live in new britain, it would matter if there was sunlight or not, i'm not about to get raped to save the environment
[27.] Does the thought of marriage scare you? haha NO i am a woman, i cant wait
[29.] What's your favorite color to wear? purple
[30.] Who was the last person in your bedroom besides you? chris
[31.] What are you doing today? read watch house and the hills
[34.] What would you do if you found a dinosaur egg? bring it to a museum... i dont know haha
[35.] Do you get bored easily? pretty much
[36.] What's something that someone can do that really bothers you? yell
[37.] Did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? yes, to my middle name, i still kind of do, but overall my names not bad
[38.] Do you wish you were famous? nu uh, i couldn't handle that lifestyle thank you very much
[39.] Do you make a wish at 11:11? umm YES
[40.] When you're at the beach, do you swim or lay out more? when the waters not 30 degrees i swim!!
[41.] Who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? "thursday would be great for me" manda!
[42.] What are you freakishly obsessed with? freakishly obsessed... no thank you
[43.] What's your favorite song at the moment? she likes me for me probably... i dont know SO MANY!!
[44.] Do you like going to the mall to shop or just shopping online? i dont really get a chance to shop
[45.] Can music affect your mood? oh god yes
[46.] When did you last see your best friend? this week
[47.] What tattoos do you want? okay i've been thinking about this! I want a damask rose on the center of the back of my neck! And i want a little celtic shamrock on my wrist or foot i think.
[48.] Have you ever been in a cave? ... no
[49.] Ever eaten a bug? probably, but not on purpose
[50.] What are you excited for? school to be over and summer to come!!!
HOW old were you when you first...
2. First got a myspace account –16?
3. Got drunk – never
7. Got your heart broken badly - 18
8. Lost a pet – yes... but i guess it wasn't lost it got hit by a car, but our parents said it was lost
9. Got arrested – never
11. Broken a bone - 5
13. Got your own cell phone – 16?
14. Noticed the opposite sex – 10 maybe?
15. Ran away – 6, but i only made it to the firehydrant two houses up
16. snuck out of the house – 17
18. Got a tattoo – not yet
19. Bought porn – ew never
20. Went to a summer camp – 5
21. Transfered to a new school – once, it sucked ass
22. Totalled a car – 16... but it wasn;t my fault okay!!
23. Moved out of your parents house – 19
24. Drove more than 100 miles alone – i dont think i have
SEVEN THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
1. bed
2. tv
3. books
4. pictures
5. duct tape
6. paintings
7. vaseline
SEVEN RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. Do you like anyone? chyeah
2. Does someone like you? he better!!
3. Last kiss? yesterday
4. Been lead on? yeah
5. Been cheated on? i'd kick some ass if i have been
6. Want a relationship? in one
7. Wanna get married? yes! but not now
SEVEN OTHER THINGS - DO YOU:
1. Believe in God? i dont know
2. Had a dream come true? yeah, it was like deja vu, it freaked me out
3. Read the newspaper? no
4. Pray? no
5. Have a best friend? several!
6. Like to shop? i do, but i dont have time, and i dont at the same time
7. Wish on stars? i use to
SEVEN THINGS IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU:
1. Cried? yes
2. Had fun? yes
3. Been kissed? yes
4. Felt stupid? yes
5. Talked to an ex? i dont have an ex
6. Missed someone? my friends
7. Had sex? no... surprisingly haha
whores
Okay so boys suck. Like i just hate men sometimes. Leaving work, this guy made this kiss noise and then i looked because i was shocked anyone would do something so retarded and he licked his lips and was like sup... GROSSS, i said that aloud too, i hope he heard!!
See this is why i hate sluts, let me explain, me and my roomate were talking about this last night.
Sluts are what makes men think it's okay to do something so god damn rude to women. Sluts and whores and stupid attention seeking girls LOVE that crap, they encourage it with the clothes they wear and the way they dance and make out with other girls SICK!!!
And it's not like i'm jealous and i want the attention they get, NO! I COULD get that attention, EASILYYY, but i am not EASYYYY!! okay, like it disgusts me that women can show such little respect for themselves.
This is why girls like me get disrespected, because you slutty girls make guys think that its okay to yell out obscene remarks and rub up on any girl they want.
This is why i miss the 50's, i mean women didn't have any rights, but guys showed respect, they knew that their woman should be respected and they need to look after them.
Men need to learn how to respect women. Douchbag men need to meet my friends because we dont take that crap, my friends are classy and have respect for themselves. We arn't jealous of the attention seeking whores, we think they're god damned ridiculous!
So to all you whores, i hope you learn that what you're doing IS RETARDED so stop and think about what you're doing when you're dancing on a table wearing a short skirt and making out with another woman. You're not gaining anything, you're single handedly losing the respect for every single women out there, SO QUIT IT!!
thank you very much for your time. I hope i have not insulted anyone, but if i did, screw you :]
See this is why i hate sluts, let me explain, me and my roomate were talking about this last night.
Sluts are what makes men think it's okay to do something so god damn rude to women. Sluts and whores and stupid attention seeking girls LOVE that crap, they encourage it with the clothes they wear and the way they dance and make out with other girls SICK!!!
And it's not like i'm jealous and i want the attention they get, NO! I COULD get that attention, EASILYYY, but i am not EASYYYY!! okay, like it disgusts me that women can show such little respect for themselves.
This is why girls like me get disrespected, because you slutty girls make guys think that its okay to yell out obscene remarks and rub up on any girl they want.
This is why i miss the 50's, i mean women didn't have any rights, but guys showed respect, they knew that their woman should be respected and they need to look after them.
Men need to learn how to respect women. Douchbag men need to meet my friends because we dont take that crap, my friends are classy and have respect for themselves. We arn't jealous of the attention seeking whores, we think they're god damned ridiculous!
So to all you whores, i hope you learn that what you're doing IS RETARDED so stop and think about what you're doing when you're dancing on a table wearing a short skirt and making out with another woman. You're not gaining anything, you're single handedly losing the respect for every single women out there, SO QUIT IT!!
thank you very much for your time. I hope i have not insulted anyone, but if i did, screw you :]
Sunday, May 4, 2008
I just dont know how me and chris are going to work out. I love him to peices, but i just dont know if things are going to change. I mean things are better, i'm speaking my mind more and staying stronger, but i'm not as strong as i would like, or as strong as i can be. I hate being together like 24/7. I need my space alot, and it's hard for me to say that sometimes, especially to chris. I told him before that i need alot more space if we get back together. But since we've gotten back together we've been together every single day. I mean thats fine if we're doing something, going somewhere or something, but i dont want to just sit around all day watching tv and doing absolutely nothing. I guess we'll see how things work out in time. But i dont think i can stay in this relationship if it doesn't change. it's not fair for either of us.
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