Okay so alot of things have been going on recently. Me and chris are over with, for real this time. I really think that in two weeks or so it's going to hit me that we're not together right now and i'm really going to miss him. But right now, i really dont want to talk to him.
I seriously just want to not talk to him for like 2 months. I feel like if i talk to him i'm gonig to fall into his trap and get back together, and i really dont want that and cant do that anymore. I just cannot be with him anymore, i need to find myself 110 percent right now.
I dont deserve to be yelled at the way he yelled at me. I just cant deal with that anymore, and i honestly feel so much less stressed now that we're apart. I cant deal with yelling ever, like even when i'm not involved, i'll start to cry or leave the house or just blank out. And when i'm being yelled at, i dont even know what i;m doing, i just cant handle it. I mean maybe if we're both yelling and mad and want our points to be heard thats fine. But when he's just yelling and scream and saying awful things right in my face and i'm not yellign at all, i dont understand that. And i really cant deal with it anymore.
I'm just not a fighter. Simple as that, i dont enjoy fighting, i think talking about things is so much more productive than yelling screaming and pushing. And yeah when someone does something wrong like cheating or something along those lines, i freaking understand yelling. But if i do something that makes him mad, unintentionally, i will stop if you tell me. But chris would EXPLODE he didn't care that i did things unintentionally and thats just not fair!!! Like if i was doing it intentionally, yell whatever i understand, but when i dont even know what i'm being yelled at for, thats not right!!
I should have broken it off when he did something really bad, but i just couldn't. I need this to be strong for myself, i was not a strong person when i was with him, and i need to fnid that.
UGH i need to be by myself, and i'm glad this is happening over the summer.
I really have to say that i adore my friends right now, they're really helping me out and keeping me busy. I love them all to peices, more than they know.
I'm just looking forward to this summer, having time to myself and with my friends. Like i still have summer classes and pine acres and stuff, but even with that i'm still looking more forward to this summer than any other summer.
SO UGH TO CHRIS
thats all i have to say.